


Nigel Writes a Book

by Ishxallxgood



Category: Adam (2009), Charlie Countryman (2013), Hannibal Extended Universe - Fandom, Spacedogs - Fandom
Genre: Adam Raki raccoon expert, Darko evidently draws really well, Fluff, Hannibal Extended Universe, M/M, Nigel is pretty savage, Nigel is really smart, Nigel really doesn't like Beth, Spacedogs, raccoons in Central Park
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 02:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15571605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ishxallxgood/pseuds/Ishxallxgood
Summary: Nigel comes across Beth's book and has strong opinions about it.  So strong in fact, that he decides to counter her book with a book of his own, about the mother fucking raccoons in Central Park.





	Nigel Writes a Book

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Devereauxs_Disease](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devereauxs_Disease/gifts).



> I want to thank Devereauxs_Disease for sticking by me for this. It was a trip and a half to write and she was my biggest cheerleader throughout all of it. Every. Step. Of. The. Way. Lady, I love you. About as much as Nigel likes to tell people to suck it.

Nigel stared at the poor excuse of a children’s book tucked away in the far corner of Adam’s bookshelf.  It was a ridiculous book about a raccoon named _Adam_ living in Central Park.  He presumed it was supposed to be a sweet book, but all he could see was ignorance and condescendence.  Why would a family of racoons _not_ belong in the middle of Central Park?  How was this book supposed to highlight the brilliance of the man for whom it was modeled after?  Whoever this Elizabeth Buckwald was, she should just choke on a fat cock.

“Oh, did you find Beth’s book?”  Adam’s arms snaking around his waist pulled Nigel from his murderous thoughts.  He flipped the book closed, so Adam could see the cover.

“I found _a_ book, gorgeous,”  Nigel retorted, leaning into Adam’s embrace.

Nigel felt Adam shift behind him, pressing in closer so he could peer over Nigel’s shoulder.  “Yea, that’s Beth’s book.”

“It's not very good.”

Adam chuckled, pulling back a little so Nigel could turn in his arms and face him. “No, it really isn't.  I told her it was strange that the raccoons talked, because raccoons don't talk. But she said it was a children's book, and dismissed me when I stated it would be better as a nature book. Children read nature books too.”

“That they do, gorgeous.” Tossing the book aside, Nigel slipped his hands through Adam's hair until they rested on the nape of his neck.

Beth Buckwald was undeserving of such an angel. The very fact that Adam had given her months of his life made Nigel’s blood boil. And now, this undeserving bitch had written a book inspired by his brilliant star; an affront Nigel refused to let go unanswered.

“Perhaps I should write a children's nature book about the raccoons in Central Park, show her how it's really done.”  Nigel gently stroked his thumbs along Adam’s jaw, breath hitching when he was rewarded by a brilliant smile.

“Oh you definitely should,” Adam beamed, blue eyes twinkling with delight. “You would do such an amazing job.”

“You think so, gorgeous?” Nigel preened.

“I know so,” Adam said nodding fervently, “I’ve heard you explain M-Brane theory to Darko.”

Nigel barked out a laugh.  His gorgeous husband most definitely had a point.  If he could get Darko to understand string theory, he could most definitely articulate to a bunch of kids why raccoons should exist in Central Park.  “I love you, Adam Raki, you know that?”

“Yes I know,” Adam said bluntly, surging forward to press his lips onto Nigel’s.  “And I love you too, Nigel Raki.”

.

“Okay, so tell me again why you're writing a children's book… on raccoons.”

“For the last time, motherfucker, it's to prove a point,” Nigel said, flicking the pen he was using at Darko's head.

Dodging the pen, Darko glanced over at him and snickered before crossing his arms across his chest.  “To Adam's ex. Who you've never met.”

“Whom.”

“Fuck you, English is a stupid language,” Darko retorted, pushing back from the desk.  “Come look at this fucker and let me know if it’s what you wanted.”

Smirking, Nigel crossed the room, picking the pen off the floor before stopping to assess Darko’s drawing.  “This is…”

“Raccoons in a fucking park,”  Darko said smugly, appreciating Nigel’s loss of words over his work.

“Darko, this is gorgeous.”

“I still don’t know if I should use a set of constellations or the Milky Way for the background.”

Nigel ran a hand through his hair as he contemplated the two options.  Logically, it should be Ursa Major and Minor since the raccoons were supposedly in Central Park, but an image of the Milky Way would be aesthetically superior.  They could possibly get away with the Milky Way, but only if they didn’t run the image by Adam first. Then again, his brilliant star would probably have some choice words about the raccoons to begin with.

“Do the Milky Way. It’s more eye catching.”

“Whatever you say boss,” Darko said with a mock salute. “I still think this whole book business is absolutely ridiculous though.  What do you know about raccoons anyway?”

Lighting a cigarette, Nigel settled back down on the couch and picked his notebook back up.  “I know that they have always existed in Central Park, and to assume they are there as an anomaly is juvenile at best.”

“Why would anyone assume that raccoons did _not_ exist in Central Park?”

“Because they’re fucking morons,” Nigel said with a scoff.  “Ignorant, condescending bitches.”

“We’re back to this Beth chick again, aren’t we?”

With a groan, Nigel tossed the notebook aside again.  “I fucking hate that bitch.”

“Because your little spaceman dated her?”

“No,” Nigel spat with more venom than he had intended. “Because she never fucking bothered to understand him.  Bitch just assumed she knew better and that _he_ needed _changing_.  Adam fucking Raki is perfect the way he is.”

“Can’t argue with that.”

“I just don’t fucking understand why people automatically assume that different means broken.”  Nigel took a long drag of his cigarette before flicking the ash into the tray. “People should just be able to be themselves without someone complaining about a quirk they cannot fucking change.”

Darko hummed in agreement as he proceeded to paint the milky way across the top of the drawing.  “Like the raccoons.”

“Exactly.” Butting his cigarette, Nigel picked up the notebook and scribbled away furiously.  “Just like the mother fucking raccoons. Why should they be seen as an invasive species? They were fucking there first.  It ain’t their fault people came in and destroyed their homes. They’re fucking scavengers, of course they’re gonna go through your trash.”

“They’re just behaving as nature intended.”

“Yea, fucking badass and cute.”

.

“I don’t get it.”

Nigel chuckled as he pulled Adam onto his lap, pressing a series of kisses down the side of his neck before tucking his chin on his shoulder.  “There’s nothing to get, gorgeous. They’re just two raccoons in Central Park.”

“Okay but,” Adam said placing the drawing back onto the desk and leaning back into Nigel’s chest, “you would not have such a clear view of the Milky Way from that vantage point.  There’s entirely too much light pollution in New York City for that. At best you would be able to see Ursa Major and Minor.”

“That’s true, but Darko worked very hard on this, and I think it’s gorgeous,”  Nigel replied nipping at Adam’s ears.

“Well it is gorgeous,”  Adam said with a giggle.  “He did a very good job drawing it, but it’s not a very accurate representation of the night sky in Central Park.  Also, raccoons don’t smoke cigarettes.”

“They also don’t look through telescopes, but I don’t hear you complaining about that.”

“They could.  Raccoons are very inquisitive creatures.”

“What’s to say they wouldn’t be curious about a cigarette?”

“That’s highly unlikely.  Raccoons are known to unintentionally ingest cigarette butts, but unlike humans, I don’t think they would intentionally inhale those toxins into their systems.”

“Unlikely, but plausible,” Nigel said shifting Adam a little so he could reach into his pocket and pull out his phone.  “Let’s see what Google has to says about this.”

“You can’t believe everything you read on the internet, Nigel,”  Adam admonished, but leaned in so he could see the screen too.

“If I can’t trust Google, then who can I trust?”

“Me.”

“Hmm,” Nigel pressed a kiss to Adam’s temple.  “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Adam Raki, Raccoon Expert, but one should always trust and then verify.”

“I’m not an expert on raccoons, Nigel.”

“Then you admit that you don’t know they _wouldn’t_ smoke a cigarette.”

“No, but I’m pretty confident that they wouldn't.  I don’t have to to be an expert on raccoons to know that.”

Furrowing his brows, Nigel pouted as he scrolled page after page.  The only thing about cigarettes and raccoons were what Adam had already said; that the toxins were terrible for the animals, and that due to the overwhelming amount of cigarette butts, small animals had a tendency to consume them and fall ill.  

Frowning Nigel tossed his phone onto the desk.  “I guess you were right, gorgeous.”

“I usually am,” Adam said with smug smile and a tilt of his chin.  “This happens every time you know.”

“What?” Nigel asked nuzzling Adam’s neck.

“Ninety-nine percent of the time, I am right, and yet you still defer to Google.”

“Well, gorgeous,” Nigel said nipping at Adam playfully, “One should always verify.  Besides, there’s always that one percent.”

.

Shifting the papers around, Nigel took another look at his storyboard.  He actually did it. He wrote a book about the raccoons in Central Park.  About how ridiculous it was to believe that raccoons in a park were an anomaly.  To believe that a raccoon, a creature who makes its home in woodland areas, would _not_ exist in an urban park.   If society viewed such playful, inquisitive and intelligent creatures as _intrusive_ within their own natural habitats, how then could society accept _anything_ which deviated from their so-called norm?

It made him so angry that there were people like Beth Buckwald out there in the world.  People who were so self absorbed, with their heads shoved so far up their own asses that they were blind to the magnificence around them.  Then again, if it weren’t for those Beth Buckwalds of this world, he never would have found his brilliant star. So perhaps there was some use to them after all.

Smirking to himself, he plucked the first page off the floor and scribbled an additional dedication under the first.  It was only fair to properly dedicate the book to _all_ the people who contributed to its creation.

“You finally finished it.”

Placing the dedication page back down, Nigel turned around and beamed at Adam.  “Yes I did, gorgeous.”

Adam returned his smile as he approached him and looked over at the spread.  “You added Beth to the dedication.”

“It’s only fair,” Nigel said pulling him into his arms.  “If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have bothered to write it.”

“That’s very kind of you Nigel,” Adam said, picking up the page with a slight frown, “But I don’t think calling someone an _ignorant, condescending bitch_ is appropriate in a children’s book.  Even if you did thank her.”

.

**_One Year Later_ **

“Darling, do you know what this is?” Nigel asked, handing Adam the letter he just opened.

Taking it from him, Adam quickly skimmed it, a broad smile crossing his face as he finished.  “Nigel!” he exclaimed, practically jumping up and down, “Your book just won a Newbery _and_ a Caldecott award.”

“Oh?” Nigel said scratching at the back of his neck.  “So what does that mean?”

“Nigel, those are the two highest honors awarded to any children’s book.”

“Really? That’s awesome.  Beth can fucking suck it now.”

“Suck what?”

“You know, it.  My cock.” Nigel replied with a smug smirk.

Adam’s brow furrowed as he lowered the letter and looked over at Nigel.  “Why would Beth suck your cock?”

“It’s just a figure of speech, darling,” Nigel said pulling Adam into his arms.  “I would never _actually_ let that bitch anywhere near my cock.  That’s just for you, gorgeous.”

“Oh, okay. Good,” pulling out of Nigel's arms, Adam flashed a cheeky grin, hands dropping to Nigel's belt.  “I don’t like sharing.”

.

Nigel tugged at his collar, the bow tie uncomfortable around his neck. But Adam had insisted, and he would oblige his Adam anything.

“Stop fidgeting,” Darko admonished, slapping his hands away from his neck.

“I'm not fidgeting, motherfucker, I just don't like things around my neck.”

“Then you shouldn't have put on a fucking bow tie.”

“Fuck you,” Nigel spat, dropping his hands back down to his lap. “Adam insisted.”

Darko chuckled and grinned knowingly at him. “Speaking of your spaceman,” he inclined his head. “The ex is here.”

Nigel suppressed a growl and glanced over Darko to take in the bitch who never appreciated his Adam.  She was certainly nothing to write home about. Pretty in that bland kind of way, smug with an air of entitlement surrounding her.  Nigel felt the need to put her in her place. As they rose to receive their award, a wicked grin passed across his face.

“Thank you so much for this honor,” Nigel said, graciously accepting his award.  “It would never have been possible without my gorgeous husband, Adam Raki, for being the most beautiful soul this universe has ever seen.  You are a star that shines brighter than Sirius, darling, more steady than Polaris, and you saved me from an all-consuming darkness.”

Grinning, Nigel scanned the crowd, pausing to make eye contact with Beth before continuing with, “I also want to extend a special thank you to Elizabeth Buckwald.  If it weren’t for your ignorance and condescendence; your utter disregard for Adam’s brilliance, I never would have been compelled to write this book. So thank you for not being able to see past yourself, for abandoning Adam when he needed you the most, for writing a terrible book and sending it to him.”

A stunned silence fell across the room and Nigel bowed one last time before stepping off the podium. Darko attempted to suppress a laugh as the two of them ventured back toward their seats. Settling back down, he pulled out his phone which had been buzzing in his pocket.  

.

Nigel closed out his emails and leaned back into the chair.  “They want another book.”

“That’s great, Nigel,” Adam said, looking up from his book.

“I don’t know what to write though,” Nigel said, pushing back from the desk.  Getting up, he lifted Adam’s feet, plopping down next to him on the couch.

“Maybe you could do a series on space.”

Nigel chuckled as he wrapped an arm around his gorgeous husband.  “Maybe I could. Have a fucking raccoon narrate it and call it Space Raccoons.”

“Space Raccoons.” Darko scoffed from across the room.  “You should fucking make it one of those weiner dogs from that hideous shirt of yours and call it Space Dogs.  Sounds fucking better than _Space Raccoons_.”

“Why does it have to have an anthropomorphized animal narrating it?”  Adam asked with a frown.

“You’re right, gorgeous,” Nigel said, kissing the furrow of Adam’s brow.  “No talking animals. Just space.”

“So what?  You’re gonna write a fucking children’s book on string theory and how it relates to the creation of the universe?”

“Why the fuck not, motherfucker,” Nigel retorted.  “If I can get it through your thick skull, there’s no reason why I couldn’t get a bunch of ten year olds to understand it.”

“It was a pretty impressive explanation.” Adam settled back down against him, returning to his book. “You should definitely write it as a children’s book.”

“You know what, gorgeous?  Maybe I will.”


End file.
